


Aftermath  (Complete)

by I_hate_the_snow



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Adjusting, Angst, Emotional Abuse, Emotional Hurt, Emotional neglect, F/M, marital discord
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-09-12 21:29:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9091471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_hate_the_snow/pseuds/I_hate_the_snow
Summary: Living in Alexandria in the aftermath of Negan





	1. Lori

After a long, sleepless night Lori gently pulled back the covers and swung her legs over the side of the empty bed.   She sat in the darkness for a while, not knowing or caring what time it was.  After washing up in the bathroom and checking on Judith and Carl she quietly walked downstairs.

The light red afghan provided little warmth in the cool room, but she was more focused on how she could put her family back together.  She sat on the sofa in the dark and wondered how much more can be put on them. 

Carl was shot not just once, but twice, and just a week ago a madman cut out his other eye.  Rick tried to fight, but since he was missing his right hand, it made it more difficult. 

 _The night seemed endless.  She was waiting for Rick to return from bringing Maggie to the Hilltop.  She paced the floor all night, continuously looking out of the front window, looking, waiting and praying that there would be some sign of her husband, son and friends.  The beautiful sunrise mocked the glum mood in which she was stuck.  She knew something was wrong.  Finally, the RV lumbered down the road and Spencer opened the gate.  Sasha got out, followed by Michonne, Aaron and Rosita.  No Glenn, no Abraham, and what made Lori overwhelmed by fear and grief, no Rick or Carl.  Everyone looked stunned.  The news hit her hard._  

It was just two days ago that Rick and Carl returned.  Although Rosita told her what happened, nothing could prepare her for seeing Carl completely blind. 

Aaron hopped out of the car and took Judy from her arms, then stood next to her as Rick guided him out of the vehicle and toward the house, and directly into the arms of his mother.  She tried to keep her composure in order to keep her boy calm. 

While she was embracing her son and reassuring him that everything will be okay, her gaze landed on her husband’s crystal blue eyes.  She hated seeing him in emotional pain.  She knew he was hurting.  He stood silently with a look of complete defeat on his face. 

“You’ll be okay.”  She whispered into her boy’s ear. 

When they broke the hug she took Rick in her arms.  His body shook with silent sobs and she felt the stream of tears dampen her shoulder. 

“It’ll be alright.”  She said, as she rubbed his back.

She wanted to stay that way for hours.  It was the first physical contact since he placed his hand on her shoulder when she revived Hershel.  He dropped his arms in less than a minute and escorted Carl into the house, walking away from the quasi-reunion and his so-called wife.

xxxxx

Breakfast was quiet.  Judy was in her high chair, tearing apart the still warm pancakes Lori made.   Rick left his room in the four bedroom house, helped Carl walk downstairs and to the kitchen table.  Lori placed the dish in front of their son, and told him where on the plate the food was.

“Pancakes at twelve o’clock, eggs at three.”

“Thanks, mom.”

She placed both her hands on the side of his head and kissed his temple,

“I love you, hon.”

“Love you too, mom.”

She stayed holding her son, who has seen so much in his young years, and wanted to take it all away. 

Without a kiss or acknowledgement, Rick sat at his spot and started to eat.

There was nothing to say.  Lori sipped her coffee while standing with her back against the sink, watching her boy, and trying to think of how she can help him.

“Denise will be here in a little while.  She wants to work on physical therapy.”

“Okay.”  Carl said softly, as he felt around the table for his glass of juice.

“How’s the pain, hon?  Denise has some medicine left.”

“I’m alright, mom.”

“I could make a supply run.”  Rick stated flatly, automatically looking at the child who can’t see him anymore.

Lori glared at her estranged husband, wanting to scream at him, but thought the better of it.   Rick glanced at her and noticed she was pinching the bridge of her nose with her thumb and index finger.

She placed her mug in the sink and before leaving the room to get Judy dressed and noticed Rick was having trouble cutting his pancakes.  In the months since Terminus took his hand, along with Merle and Bob’s life, he had trouble adjusting.  He could shoot with his left hand, but not very well.  He cursed himself for wasting bullets and couldn’t quite master swinging the machete.  He tried to be a helpful father to Judith but never felt as though he emotionally connected to the child.

He used the excuse of the loss of his dominant hand as a way to evade tending to the child.

The rift that started when she pushed him away that horrible night became a crevasse they couldn’t cross. 

“Want some help?”  She asked softly.

Rick shook his head, dismissively.

She picked Judy up and hugged her tightly, walked passed Rick and gave Carl a kiss on the head. 

“Let me know if you need anything, sweetie.”

Rick watched as she left the room.  He ached to tell her what happened, what Negan did, what happened in the RV, and feel her in his arms again.

 


	2. Carl

He went with his dad, trying to help.  He knew his parents were unhappy, and with everything he heard his dad say about his mom, Carl wanted to distance himself from the “whore.”

*****

The four lived together under the same roof, but it wasn’t like it was before.  Before his dad got shot, before the world ended.  Before Shane.

His last happy memory was celebrating what they thought was shelter at the CDC.  He winced when he tried the wine, preferring to stick with soda pop.  They were all happy and laughing.  Miss Jacqui was wonderful and caring.  Later he tried to use the pillow to cover his ears.  They thought he was asleep.  He heard the giggles and the urges for each other to be quiet, and eventually moans and “I love yous.”

The same noises he heard that one night by the side of the road when he feigned sleep in the car and Uncle Shane and his mom were in the grass.

Then the next morning everything changed.  They didn’t have a home anymore.  His mom was crying and his uncle had scratches on his neck.  Miss Jacqui was gone.  They had nothing.  Sophia went missing, and when he was looking for her with his dad and Uncle Shane he was transfixed when he saw the deer.  It was so peaceful.  The only sound was the crunch of the leaves under his feet as he walked closer to the animal. 

*****

Sophia coming out of the barn haunted him to this day.  His dad changed.  Shane changed.  His mom was always scared.  Daryl told them the story about Randal and his group. 

Then night that still makes him wake up and cry.  He saw Uncle Shane point his gun at his dad.  He heard “broken woman…weak boy.”  And the words he’ll never forget.  “They got over you once, they’ll do it again.”

He closed his eyes when his dad moved closer.  Carl didn’t see what happened, but Uncle Shane was lying on the ground and his dad was crying over him.

Carol and Glenn were the ones to yell at his dad when he said that they’re all infected.  That’s when people began to lose faith and trust in his father.  He saw his mother walk over to try to comfort his dad.  She wrapped her arms around him, standing as close as possible.  While they were talking she started to back away, then he watched as she bent over, almost throwing up.  He reached his arm out to try to help, and she pushed him away.

Since that night he saw the tension between his parents.  He would hear his mom cry during the night and thought he should go sit with her.  But when he saw how his dad was acting, he decided not to. 

*****

He felt safe at the prison.  He liked sharing a cell with his dad, although it was as far away from his mom’s cell as possible. 

After listening to his dad, she deserved to be shunned.

He became close to his father.  They’d go on runs together, and he would think it was almost a game to see how angry his mom would be when they’d come back after a week or so, when she didn’t know they had left.

Carl would see his mother try to talk to his dad, but he’d always walk away.  Meals together in the prison cafeteria would be just the two sitting together, and it was obvious that Lori wanted to join her family.  She’d end up sitting by herself, slowly pushing the food around her plate while wiping away tears.

The noises he heard that one night at the CDC he overheard again from different cells at the prison.  Maggie and Glenn, Carol and Hershel, and Beth and Daryl. 

His mom would try every day to talk to her boy, but he wanted nothing to do with her.  Just the way his father did.  Hershel told him to respect his mother, and he’d tell Rick to make things right before its too late, but the words fell on deaf ears.

When his dad left again he was gone for days before coming back missing his hand.  Lori tried to help but he refused to be in the same room with her.

The day came when Lori was in the infirmary, screaming in pain.  Carl ran to the cell he shared with his father, and found him with his head down and his body shaking with sobs.  He sat on the bunk and asked his dad why he hates his mom so much.

Rick didn’t respond, just sat in the cell.

*****

They were separated for weeks after the prison fell.  He watched as his dad talked to someone nobody could see.  When they found brief shelter in a home the two of them settled down for the night, he heard his father talking to someone.  Carl hopped out of bed and ran to the family room, just to see his father, on his knees and deeply crying, speaking into a telephone receiver.

He heard the words “I should have said it.  But I love you.”

*****

After they ran for their lives when the animals at Terminus fell, they saw Carol, someone they thought they lost.  She helped them escape.

The grey haired beauty smiled and said “come with me.”

They walked over an hour through the woods and followed Carol to a hunter’s cabin, hidden by camouflage and tree leaves.  The door opened and Michonne, Tyreese, Sasha and Lori stepped out, holding Judith.

All the hard feelings he had for his mother were long gone when he saw the woman he thought was dead.  He ran to her arms, holding her tightly, and cried.  Lori hugged her son tightly, her face streaked with tears.  That was the first time he held his sister.  He saw his parents embrace, and the first time his father hold his mother’s baby.

*****

The house was nice.  Lori told her son that it was something she and her dad once did…drive around new developments and think that someday they’ll have a home like that.  The four would have dinner together, but it wasn’t the same.  He thought his parents would get back together after they found each other again after the escaped the cannibals, but it didn’t happen.  Carl interacted with Judy, clapping along with her mom when she said her first words.  His dad wasn’t around.

He wasn’t surprised when his parents chose different bedrooms.  Rick let Lori take the master bedroom since she’d have Judy’s crib.  But even when Judy moved into her own room, Rick still stayed in his own room. 

At night he’d hear his mom cry in her room.  The first night he heard it Carl told his dad, who said he’d take care of it.  The boy listened closely, but Rick never left his room.  He never went to comfort Lori.

*****

Carl and his mom were clapping when Judy took his first steps.  His dad wasn't there, as usual. The neighborhood was shaken recently with the deaths of Reg and Pete.  He had a hunch that his father would be with the woman he was always looking at. He ran to the Andersons, and sure enough, he saw his father and the blonde kissing in the garage.  The noise he made interrupted the two, and Rick had to chase his son back to his home.

“You hate mom so much.  She cries all the time because of you.  Shane scared her.  I heard her tell Carol that he raped her at the CDC.  Judy's walking. I left the house because she was crying because you weren’t there and you’re kissing Jessie.  If you hate mom that much just divorce her.  I don’t want you to be my father anymore.”

The words hit Rick hard.  He treasured his boy.

*****

Lori was holding her son’s hand, praying he would wake up.  Her somewhat husband had joined her in the room.  Just like when Rick was in his coma, two of the members of the family sat together over another, grieving what could be an insurmountable loss.

“Baby boy…I’m so sorry.  Please wake up.  I know you can’t hear me, but right now I need to pretend you can.  Please wake up.”

He watched as Lori cried deep tears, begging Carl to squeeze her hand.  He heard the same words when he was in the hospital.  The two parents sat together over their son, wanting to show him the world.

*****

He went with his dad, trying to help.  He knew his parents were unhappy.  Maybe if they got to the Hilltop they’d be happy again.  Maggie was sick, and he wanted to help. 

*****

The man was terrifying.  He called the boy a future serial killer.  He looked at his dad, who was shaking with fear.  He was swinging a bat that was covered in barbed wire.  Carl looked around and saw the members of the people who became his family over the past two years.  Maggie was crying for Glenn.  She was in agony and needed her husband.  Sasha, Rosita, Eugene, were crying.

Abe was on his knees, sitting straight up in defiance.  Aaron, Daryl and Michonne were watching in fear.

The man started swinging the bat.  Carl heard some screaming and saw Abe’s head explode.  Rick put his hand over his face and started crying. 

The last thing he remembered was the man taunting Rosita before Daryl jumped up and punched him in the face.

He nodded to a group of his men and they threw Daryl into the back of a truck.  The man continued, “I said I would shut that shit down…no exceptions!” 

He motioned to the man named Simon and said, “Cut the boy’s other eye out and feed it to his father.”

*****

Doctor Carson treated both eyes.  He cleaned the wounds the best he could. 

The medicine burned when it first entered his veins, but soon the pain killer took over his body and he heard his father’s voice right before he lost his grip on his consciousness.

“We don’t have the resources like we used to, but we have to do everything to avoid infection.  A piece of gauze over an open eye socket won’t do anything.”

“What do you suggest?”  Rick asked.

The last thing Carl remembered was the good doctor saying something about sewing the skin together.  His right eyelash was gone, a result of Ron’s bullet.  Doctor Carson could pinch the skin together over the socket.  Although it was ripped from Simon’s knife, his left eyelash could be repaired and then sewn shut. 

*****

“Hey bud.” 

He heard his father’s voice.

“Where’s mom?  I want my mom.”  Carl stated, coming out of a twilight sleep and terrified that he couldn’t see.

*****

After a car ride back to the Alexandria Safe Zone, Aaron helped Carl out of the car and walked with him until he reached the safety of his mother’s arms.

 


	3. Rick

After breakfast Rick helped Carl upstairs and let him dress himself. 

His son had some trouble navigating the buttons on his shirt, but his dad talked him through it.  He joked that he couldn’t button a shirt anymore, but helped the best he could.

“You need to use the bathroom?”

“Yea.”

Rick nodded before he realized his son couldn’t see.  He followed it with an “alright.”

*****

Rick walked right next to his boy as they walked down the steps and across the kitchen.  With Doctor Carson’s voice ringing in his head, he helped Carl to the mudroom and helped him sit on the floor to reach for his shoes.  He had to do things by himself.

“Doing good, bud.”  He told his son, as the boy felt the floor for his shoes, slid them on, and began to tie them. 

His attention was diverted when Lori entered the kitchen, holding Judith and dressed for the day.  The maybe-ex walked over and joined in encouraging their son.  Rick didn’t turn towards Lori, just stood in place.

“Going out for a walk?”  She asked.

A moment of awkward silence passed before Carl replied, “yeah, you gonna join us, mom?”

Rick didn’t bother to answer, continuing the almost three year stretch of passive aggressive manner of treating his former love.

“Absolutely, buddy.”

*****

They left through the garage, Lori pushing Judy in the umbrella stroller with one hand and holding her son’s hand with the other.

“The sun feels good.”  Carl stated.  He was swinging the long, thin tree branch Aaron fashioned for him.

“It does, doesn’t it?”  Lori responded, letting go of his hand to briefly rub her son’s back at the same time Rick did the same.  Their hands touched briefly before Rick pulled away.  Lori kept her hand firmly on Carl’s back and asked, “Wanna go to the gazebo?”

*****

The four sat together in the white wooden structure.

“Are the flowers out?”  Carl asked.

“Yes they are, honey.”  Lori responded.

“Can you tell me what they look like?”

Lori did most of the talking as she described the deep blue sky with just a few white clouds overhead.  The white and yellow flowers that surrounded the structure bent with the slight breeze.

“Any birds?”

“No, no birds, baby.”

“What about people walking by?”

“Well, Father Gabriel is coming up Marshall Lane, Spencer is on Oak Street, and Jessie and Sam are…actually walking towards us.”

The younger woman and her son approached the gazebo.  Rick looked at his feet, not wanting to say a word, and hoping Lori didn’t know.

He watched as his graceful wife embraced the shorter, stocky woman.

“How are you, Jessie?” 

Rick briefly looked at his wife, her perfect ivory skin glowing in comparison to the worn-down Anderson.  Lori had her hair pulled back in a loose ponytail which somehow formed one long curl that gently kissed her shoulders when she moved her head.

Jessie’s hair was dull and flat, hanging over her face in a wild mess.

“Alright.  I guess.”

“Would you like to sit with us?”

Jessie was taken aback by the warm, welcome of the woman who was married to the man she kissed just a week ago.

The bench in the gazebo didn’t leave much room for others, so Lori offered to stand.

“Here, Sam, you can sit here next to Carl.  Jessie, you can sit near Rick, if you want.”

Lori took a fussy Judith out of her stroller and held her tightly, swaying her back and forth while the tot rubbed her eyes before laying her head on her mom’s shoulder.

“My sweet girl.  Someone’s tired.  Carl, baby, are you gonna be okay?  I gotta go put you sister down for a nap.”

“That’s fine, mom.”

“Do you wanna come with me or stay here with your dad?”

“I’ll go with you.”

“Alright, just stay put for a sec.”  Lori smiled and brought the stroller down the steps and secured Judy with the seatbelt, then held one of Carl’s hands and guided him down the stairs.

“You’re doing great, baby.” She said with enthusiasm.

Rick stood to leave but stopped when Lori raised her hand.  “You can stay here, dear.  I think that’s better for us.”

Jessie looked embarrassed and asked Lori “why are you leaving?”

The statuesque brunette grinned while looking at her competition, replying “Oh, I’ve just got things to do.  Some stuff.”

Rick was still standing as he watched her walk away, one hand on the stroller and the other holding Carl’s.  He didn’t hear what Jessie was saying, he just watched as Lori, Carl and Judith walked down the short road and into their garage.  Lori pushed the button to close the large door, shutting Rick outside.

*****

He felt Jessie’s hand on his knee and caught the word “bedroom” before he shook free of her grasp and quickly to his house. 

After stomping up the steps he angrily pounded on the door, only to be met with no answer.  He stood bolt upright, trembling with rage.  The door was locked, and after listening to soft laughter, he followed the noise to the back side of the wrap around porch.

Carl was sitting on one of the patio chairs, Lori above him cutting his hair.

“You look so handsome.”  She told her son, pride and love in her voice.

She saw him standing around the corner.  He was watching them, trying to remain unseen. 

After Lori brushed off the hair clippings she asked her son if he was hungry.

“Those pancakes were good.”  He responded.

A smile tugged at her lips, leading to a small chuckle.  “That’s because I used a mix Daryl found.  No more clumps of flour.  You want pancakes for lunch?”

She watched as her son nodded his head.

“No problem honey.  I don’t think there was ever a law against that.”

*****

Rick spent most of the afternoon sitting outside, worried about Negan’s upcoming visit and how to protect his family.  He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and finger, trying to ward of the migraine that was descending upon him.

Every morning, just before he opened his eyes, he would pray that he’d wake up in the hospital bed.  Lori would be next to him, holding his hand and smiling, Shane would be next to his defacto brother, Carl would be the age he was when anything happened, so innocent and unhurt, sitting next to him.

Whenever he thought back to that horrid night he’d hear the screams of agony of his son, knowing he was held back and couldn’t do anything to stop it.  He smelled the coppery scent of Abe’s blood and heard the cries of the others. 

Simon walked over and shoved the slippery white object into his mouth before placing his hand over Rick’s mouth.  He forced the former cop to swallow the last vestige of Carl’s purity.

_They were quiet for a few moments before Lori stated, "maybe this isn't a world for children anymore."_

_"Yeah well, we have a child. Carl is here in this world now."_

_"Maybe he shouldn't be. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be."_

_"You can't mean that. Okay. All right. I can understand that thought crossing your mind."_

_"It didn't cross my mind, Rick. I can't stop thinking it. Why do we want Carl to live in this world? To have this life? So he can see more people torn apart in front of him? So that he can be hungry and scared for however long he has so he can run and run and run and run and then even if he survives he ends up he ends up just another animal who doesn't know anything except survival? If he if he dies tonight, it ends for him."_

*****

The day was spent in silence.  Carl developed a headache and fell asleep on the sofa.  Lori placed a cool, damp cloth on his forehead.  She sat on the easy chair and read a book to Judy, constantly casting her gaze to Carl to make sure he’s was okay.

Rick paced around the room before sitting on the loveseat, just feet away from his wife.

_There’s so much I need to tell you._

*****

The four sat at the kitchen table for dinner.  Lori stood behind Carl and told him where his food was. 

“Chicken at noon, green beans at two, noodles at six.  Your water is directly above your plate.”

“Thanks mom.”

“Your welcome, baby.”  She responded, before she kissed the top of his head and sat in her seat.

They ate quietly, in uncomfortable silence.  They were light years from the dinner they had before the world ended.  Before their family ended.

While Lori took care of the cleanup, Rick helped Carl upstairs to take a shower.

“Shampoo and soap are in there.  I’ll stand right here.”  He said as he closed the blue shower curtain.

“Thanks.”   Carl said flatly.

While he was waiting for his son to finish the shower he saw Lori walk by the open bathroom door.  He heard Judy’s giggles as Lori changed the young girl into her pajamas and placed her into the crib for the night.

“Mamamamama” filled the upper floor of the house.  The sweet sound of a toddler’s words.

“I love you, baby girl.”

The water stopped, and Rick handed in the towel to his boy.  After Carl dried off he wrapped it around his waist and pulled back the curtain.  Rick took his hand and helped him out of the tub, and stood behind his son as Carl walked to his room, using the wall for occasional balance.

“Need any more help, bud?”  Rick asked.

“No, I’m alright.”  Carl stopped in the threshold, showing no intention of moving.

“Want me to read a book or something?”

“G’night dad.”  Carl uttered, dismissively.  He then said, in a louder voice, “night mom.”

“Hang on.”  The two heard from deep in the master bedroom.  A small ping was muffled when she took her robe off the hook from the back of the closed bedroom door. 

Lori tore the door open and ran to her son, just barely missing bumping into her so-called husband. 

Rick saw her long, naked legs stick out from her bathrobe.  She looped her thick, shoulder-length black hair into a ponytail, and it was clear to him she was naked underneath the thin garment.

“I love you so much, baby.  Need me to do anything?  Want me to read a book or something?”  She gently walked a few steps into his into his room

“I’m alright, mom.”

“Okay, your pj’s are on the bed.  You know where the hamper is?”

“I’ll be fine, mom.”

Lori wrapped her son in her arms and kissed his forehead.  “I know you will be, baby.  Just yell if you need me.  I’m just gonna take a real quick shower.  But I’ll be in my room.”

“Thanks, mom.”

She kissed her son once more before leaving his room, and ignored Rick as she walked into her room and shut the door. 

Rick turned his head and saw his son walking in his direction, and for a moment he thought the bridge between them would be fixed.  He didn’t say a word when Carl felt for the edge of the door and closed it in his father’s face.

He stood alone in a house that was still foreign to him.  He thought about the family he once had, and how he was supposed to be the patriarch.  He was supposed to make sure everything was okay.  Whatever the world threw at him, he was supposed to feel keep his family safe.

Rick walked back downstairs and headed to his bedroom.  He passed the bookcase that, for some reason, still displayed the wedding album.

He thumbed through the book and saw long forgotten faces.  His father, who looked strong and domineering.  His mom, weak and vulnerable.  His brother, Jeff, who was, as always, happily drunk. 

He looked closely at the smiling faces of his wife.  Her hand written vow popped into his mind, “I have never felt safer than I do when you hold me in your arms.  I love you more and more each day, and can’t wait for the rest of my life.”

After he put the book back in its place he walked to his room.  The small room with the twin bed, meant to be for a guest, while his wife is alone in a king sized bed on another level in the house.

When he flipped the light on to his room his eyes settled on the shiny objects on his pillow.  Lori’s wedding and engagement rings, and the necklace he gave her on their wedding day.

They couldn’t keep living the way they were, and he was going to get answers.

*****

She came out of the bathroom, her long black hair wrapped in a towel on her head that Rick could never find out how she was able to do.

Lori almost screamed to see Rick sitting on the edge of her bed, in her room.  Suddenly modest, she pulled the towel that was wrapped around her torso tighter.

“What’s this?”  He asked as he stood, taking a few steps forward and held out his hand, showing her the wedding bands and necklace.

She looked at the jewelry she proudly wore for fifteen years, and softly said “I think you know what it means.”

“Lori,” he started.

“Forget it, Rick.  You’ve made it clear that we’re done.”  She was looking through her dresser for clean clothing.

“I think we need to talk about this.”

She scoffed.  “So now you want to talk.  You ignore me for almost three fucking years and treat me like shit, and now you wanna talk.”

She grabbed the clothes she needed and went back to the bathroom, shutting the door.

Moments later she reemerged wearing a blue tank top and shorts.

“You’re still here.  That’s a first.”

“Alright.  Lori.  Just stop.  What was that with Jessie earlier?”

“Really?  I thought you’d want to be together.  You made that clear.”

They stood feet apart, Rick meeting her steely gaze, something he’s done countless times before. Being so physically close to her and finally making prolonged eye contact cause a rush of emotions to flow through him.

Rick broke their stare and walked around the room before settling back on the spot on the mattress he claimed earlier.

“You slept with Shane.”

“Is that it?  I know I was wrong.  With Shane it was a one-time thing.  Just one time.  We watched the city get napalmed.  When he told me you were dead I felt like I was too.  I regretted it as soon as it happened. But you…  Rick, what you did was worse.    I know from the day we got here that you had an eye for her.  You had your wife and two children at home and you’re having sex with Blondie in her garage.”

“We kissed, we never had sex.”

“So that makes it better?  Do you know that was the night Judy took her first steps?  Carl and I were so happy, but you were with another woman. We were five houses away and you’re making out with her.  Your wife, if that’s what I still am, and kids were here, alive and well.  And you’re with her.  Did you know Carl went looking for you because he wanted to tell you about your daughter? Shane told me you were dead.”

“Well, you sure had fun at the funeral.”  He seethed.

Suppressing the urge to slap the man she once vowed to love forever, she stepped back and leaned against the bureau.  After a deep sigh, she started.  “You don’t understand.  You weren’t there.  We went to my parents to try to help them.  They both turned.  I had to put down my own parents.  Shane offered to do it, but I know it had to be done by someone who loved them.  I went to my brother’s house.  Andrew had turned.  So did Cathy.  I had to put down my three year old nephew.  I put down your dad.  Everyone I loved was dead.  I never felt more alone in my life.  Shane was my shoulder to cry on.  Shane comforted Carl like he was his own.  It was one time.  Once, by the side of the road when I saw my family dead and I thought you were dead.”

She wiped her eyes at the memory, and the feeling she kept bottled up for years came pouring out. 

“You called me a whore.  I know you did.  I’ve slept with two men in my lifetime.  My husband and Shane.  One night with Shane when I needed comfort.  Shane said he slept with over a hundred women.  You call him a whore?  No, just me. The way you’ve been to me over the past three years is just an example of the way you’ve been for as long as I’ve known you.  Shane wasn’t passive.  He actually talked to me.  When you came back I felt like I was alive again.  I let Shane know that that one night was a mistake.  I told him that again and again.  He wouldn’t accept the rejection.  I even apologized to him after he raped me.”

“Do you know what it’s like to be around a constant reminder of you cheating with Shane?”

“What are you talking about?”  She asked, bewildered.

“I know Judith isn’t mine.  And I’m supposed to pretend to be her daddy?  Knowing that you abandoned me and was having fun with my best friend?”

“Having fun?  Did you just miss what I said about everyone I know being dead?”  She paced the room again and put her hands through her hair, almost ripping out clumps in frustration.  “When Shane came to the house to get us out of there he was grabbing guns and survival supplies.  I was grabbing photo albums.  He eventually told me what happened.  You got shot in the gut but it was stopped by the vest.  You turned to him and told him not to tell me.  Because you knew how much I worried about you.  That’s when you got shot, when you were telling Shane to not tell me you got hurt.  All those nights I stayed up all night long until you came home?  Was that fun?  All the hours I spent at your bedside, begging for you to wake up.  Crying because I thought I’d lose the love of my life.  Was that fun?  Seeing you hooked up to all those machines, and then when the doctor said the word ‘coma’ my world ended.  But the one mistake I made…I got my period two days later.  A week after that, you came back.  Judith is one hundred percent yours.  Going through a pregnancy is hard enough, but doing it when the world is over and I got no emotional support from the one person I needed the most…”  Her voice cracked.  “It wasn’t fun, Rick.”

“The same way you pushed me away when I told you.”

“Because I thought you were getting as ruthless as he was. I knew he was a danger.  I reacted the way I did because I felt bad for Carl.  I was scared. I tried to apologize.   I know he killed Otis and Randal.  Dale told me he held you in the sights of his rifle.  Carl was so innocent, but he had to kill Uncle Shane.”

The room was quiet for a disturbingly extensive stretch of time.

“Why didn’t you tell me about the rape?”  Rick asked.

“Because so much was put on your shoulders.  The day after it happened we ran for our lives.  Then Sophia.  The Carl got shot.  It was never a good time.  I thought he moved on with Andrea.  But I tried.  You never stopped to listen.  I tried so much.  That one time, in the prison yard…the look on your face.  That was the only time in our marriage that I thought you were gonna hit me.  And you were perfectly content to let Carl ignore me too.  You encouraged that boy to treat his mother like shit.  Does that sound familiar to you?  A man emotionally manipulating his wife, ignoring her for months, and happily encouraging his son to do the same.  That night, when your mother was over, you were on the porch with Shane drinking a beer.  I was holding your mom’s hand when she was crying.  You thought she was being dramatic again and didn’t even say goodbye to her.  You thought it was funny and she was a drama queen.  But I held you when you cried at her funeral.  Your father ignored her pleas for help because he was angry about something trivial.  He drove her to suicide.  And you, you treated me like shit for almost three years because you got your feelings hurt.  You refused to be with me when Judy was born.  And you never once spent time with her because you didn’t want anything to do with that little girl.  Just like the way your dad treated your mom.”

“I was never like him.”

“Really?  That time when Carol asked Hershel for help.  You asked if anything was wrong, but you never came to check it out.  Even if it wasn’t me, I know you’d try to help.  But you didn’t.”

“When did it happen?  The rape?”  He asked quietly.

“In the game room.  It was after the shower we took together, then we went back to our room.  You went to talk to Jenner.  He was mad that I told him that him and I had no future because you were back.  He was drunk and pinned me against the pinball machine. That’s why I was crying when you got back to bed.  But you got to bed you passed out pretty quick.”

“I was getting drunk when my wife was getting raped.”  He stated, matter-of-factly.

“Yeah you were.  Look, we made love four times in the twenty four hours after you came back.  Then Shane held me down and raped me.  Is there a chance?  Maybe.  But ask yourself.  Out of all the women he claimed to have slept with, going back to high school, and no woman has contacted him about a child?  You and me, in twenty years you got me pregnant ten times.  Eight miscarriages and then our two kids.   Maybe the doctor at the Hilltop can test for blood types.  You said he has some medical stuff.  But we went at it pretty good when you came back.  If we ever had a girl we’d name her after your mom.  Judy is yours.  I know you don’t want her to be, that’s why she has my maiden name.”

Rick didn’t say anything.  He had his left hand over his face and held back his emotions.  Lori walked over to her nightstand and pulled out a handbook entitled “Surviving Childhood Trauma.”  She handed it to the man sitting on her bed and said, “Look, Daryl gave this to me.  I think it might be a good idea for you to read it.”

Initially reaching for the handbook with his right stump, he took it from her with his left.  He used the collar of his shirt to wipe away tears, he asked, “if you knew I was such a mess, why’d you ever marry me?”

She responded quickly.  “Because I loved you.  From the second I met you, I loved you.  Look, Rick, about Jessie.  I was hurt at first, then I thought that if you’re gonna treat her like the way you’ve treated me, she can have you.   She doesn’t know your history.  But at least treat me with a small bit of humanity.  I thought maybe you were here to talk about us.  Maybe there's nothing to talk about anymore.  If you want to live separate lives, that’s fine with me.  But I’m tired.  See you in the morning.”  She announced, before walking away and into the bathroom.

He ached to hold her again, and despite hearing her soft sobs he started to leave the room.  But not before he spotted her jewelry on the edge of the bed and moved them to her pillow. 

After checking the locks and turning off the lights he retreated to his bedroom, undressed and got into bed.  Using the lamp he read the parts of the book he could tell Lori circled.

“Survivors of child abuse by large don’t know they’ve been abused. Abusive parents raise the child to have great compassion for them, to always view them as humane as possible, they make sure children are grateful to them, they point out every single thing they did for the child, such as “paid for your stuff” or “financed your schooling” or “gave you a roof over your head and fed you all these years” as a proof of how good and generous they are, they make sure to recite all possible excuses to why they’re acting so abusive, they had a hard life, they have a lot on their plate, they’re good people they just make mistakes, they’ve been badly treated too, they don’t even know they’re hurting you, they’re insisting you’re too sensitive and get hurt from nothing, they don’t let the child hold them accountable or hold them guilty for any of their abuse. Abused children will be ashamed of themselves and hardly ever consider themselves a victim, they will be taught to repress and ignore trauma symptoms, to find a way to blame themselves for everything, to feel guilty just for how awful they feel all the time.”

Before he put the book away for the night he saw hand written notes in the “diary” section.  He knew it was Lori’s handwriting. 

_“I have never felt more alone then I do at this exact moment. He is the first thought going through my mind in the morning; he is the last thought going through my mind before I sleep. My heart feels heavy and broken, my chest aches and it gets so hard to breathe sometimes that I feel like I’m going to pass out from it. I miss his touch, I miss his voice and I feel like I’m going through withdrawals from it all. If I had known that the last time we held each other was going to be the last time, I would have remembered the way his eyes lit up when he smiled, and I would have it etched into my brain how his lips felt against and his touch left me with butterflies in my stomach.”_

_“I lie in bed and wonder if thinks about me like I think about him. Do I consume his thoughts like he consumes mine, do I ever cross his mind and if I do what exactly does he think about? Does he miss me the way I miss him, does his heart ache for my love like mine aches for his? When he lays down for bed does he grab a pillow and hold it close to his body and imagine it’s me, like I’ve done for a years now. Does he cry himself to sleep and wake up with sticky cheeks from the tears that fell? Does he even feel the pain he’s caused or has he moved on completely and forgotten about the destruction he has caused. The biggest question of them all will remain unanswered and it’s the question that eats me alive…. did he ever love me at all?_

 


	4. One step up...

Rick spent the night reading through the handbook, recognizing Lori’s handwriting in the margins of certain pages. 

The book could have been written about his own life. 

Snippets of the past twenty years of his life flashed in his mind.  He thought about how, no matter how much he didn’t want to, he became his father.

He thought about the little arguments he’d have with Lori.  The time she bought the wrong kind of ground beef for her home made spaghetti sauce.  She wanted to keep him healthy and bought the lower fat content, not the kind he wanted.  Not only did he refuse to eat the meal, but he didn’t even join his family at the table, opting for a delivered pizza in the living room. 

_“If you knew I was such a mess, why’d you ever marry me?”_

_“Because I loved you.  From the second I met you, I loved you.”_

When Carl was a baby she brought up the possibility of going back to school to get her Master’s degree.  She thought that by the time she graduates, Carl would be in preschool and she could try to get a job teaching in the same school.

“Why would you even think of that?” He scolded. “You can’t even take care of basic housework around here, so you’re obviously not cut out for doing more than one thing at a time.  You’ll never last through the program, and we’re not wasting our money on that.”

He walked out of the room, ignoring the sound of her quiet sobs.  The next time he said a word to her was one week later, and he started the conversation with “what’s for dinner?”

He thought about the later years, all the times she came to him with a problem or something she wanted to talk about.  He’d sit and listen, and would rarely give his input.  She’d ask, then almost beg for him to say something.  When he didn’t, she’d start to yell to try to get any kind of response.  He’d usually leave the room or go outside for a walk, only to return to see her sitting on the couch with her face in her hands, sobbing.  Just the way his mother would.

Rick was shaken out of his trance when he heard noises in the kitchen.  He pulled back the covers, draped his legs over the side of the mattress, and ran his hand through his hair.  He wanted to open his eyes and have everything over the past few years be nothing more than a horrific dream. 

_What the hell have I done?_

*****

Lori spent another sleepless night staring at the ceiling, wiping away the constant flow of tears that took over her emotions.  She thought about her marriage, and wondered if falling in love with Rick while they were in high school was nothing more than a crush.

They were “high school sweethearts.”  Maybe that term was overrated.  Maybe if they just dated for a while, the flame fizzled out, and they each moved on, her life would be different.  But there was something about him that held onto her heart.

She often wondered, even throughout her marriage, if they married too young.  She was so taken by the tall, blue eyed handsome guy who seemed to like her. Even though petty arguments would result in him not talking to her at school or calling her at night, she thought everything would be okay again when he would act normally again.

Over the years she knew he was turning into his father.  The senior Grimes would always intimidate her, and she’d see the fear in her mother-in-law’s eyes.  She never thought she’d turn into the woman.  Lori’s own mother taught her to be a strong, independent woman, and she often thought if it would have been better for Carl if they divorced. 

Maybe she would have remarried and had what she would consider a “normal” marriage, maybe she would have stayed happily single.  Maybe being away from Rick would have woken him up to the fact that he can’t treat people the way he did.

She knew there was nothing worse than trying to hold on to a broken marriage.  The pain of being ignored by the one person she loved was all-consuming. The anguish was turned into white hot rage when she thought how Rick manipulated Carl and encouraged him to treat her the same way.  One passage from the book stuck in her mind.  “Your teeth are clenched, your heart starts pounding, your stomach is churning,” she describes. “Your body is telling you that something is wrong. Every time you try to have a conversation like normal people do to resolve a problem or a conflict, it always becomes an attack on you.”

Her son came back to her.  Her baby boy.  What kind of future will he have now?  Maybe they should have let him go at the farm.  Maybe they should have opted out at the CDC.  Now, Rick has lost his right hand and Carl is totally blind.  How can they defend themselves in this world?   

When the early morning light started to filter through the window, Lori sat on the edge of the bed, just looking at the two rings that adorned her ring finger.  _He gave them back_. 

Instinctively her fingers found the necklace that was draped around her neck.  _She smiled when he put it around her neck, clasping it shut.  Her wedding dress joined his tuxedo, a combined lump on the floor as the two lay naked in bed.  The champagne was still cold, and her thank you turned into another breathtaking moment of intimacy._

In the years since that wedding night, she removed it only twice.  Once during that night she wanted to forget, and the previous day, when she wanted to send a message.  Just like the bands on her finger, she felt complete when they were back.

She splashed water on her face, hoping to wash away the tears that stained her cheeks. 

After checking on Judy and Carl, both still peacefully asleep, she went to the kitchen and filled the tea kettle, hoping to make it through another day.

*****

The once happily married couple sat together in cold silence. 

Lori finished her pancakes, and gently placed her fork on the plate.  She sipped her tepid tea without breaking her stare at her plate.

Rick was trying to think about what to say.  He wanted to put the pieces back together.  He needed her in his life.  He wanted to be the husband and father his own never was. 

She was gently started when he spoke the first words.

“I read the book.  And your notes.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to apologize enough.  I wasn’t the man you needed.  I wasn’t the husband and father I should have been.  Last night I thought about how I treated you, not just these past few years but since I’ve known you.  I had this feeling.  It took me a while to remember what it was because I haven't felt it since before I woke up in that hospital bed.  I love you, Lori.  I always have.  I never stopped.  I want to put the pieces back together.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for everything.  I should have listened.  I hate my father for making me think the way what I did was normal.  I know Judy’s mine.  Even after everything I did you still named her after my mother.  There so much I want to tell you.  I want to take so much back.  All the years just, wasted.  I was a damn fool.  I’m sorry.  I can’t make up for what happened but I want to make things right.”

He stood and took a few steps over to where she was sitting, knelt down and folded her into his arms.  They each succumbed to the emotions they kept well-hidden as they cried onto each other’s shoulders.

xxxxx

Lori placed a plate in front of Carl, giving him the usual tips.  “Pancakes at noon.  Syrup already poured.”

“Thanks, mom.”

“You’re welcome, baby.”

She turned to hear Judy’s whimpering.  The toddler was clearly uncomfortable in her father’s arms.  As he brought his daughter to his wife the girl leaned forward and reached for the comfortable safety of her mother.

“It’s gonna take a little while.”  She whispered to Rick, visibly distraught over his daughter’s rejection.

He stood behind his wife as she secured the girl in her high chair, and when she turned around Rick grabbed onto Lori, pressing his mouth onto hers.

“What’s going on?”  Carl asked, when he knew his dad wasn’t sitting next to him.

“Everything’s fine, bud.”  Rick said, before stealing another kiss.  He sat next to his son and kept an eye on him while he was eating.

“Carl, bud.  You’re mom and I need to tell you something.”  He said, smiling as the two met each other’s gaze.

Their son’s shoulders slightly slumped forward as he asked, with a shaky voice, “you’re getting divorced?”

“No.  No.  Not at all.”  Rick said, reaching over with his hand and gently holding his son’s arm.  Lori came forward and kissed her boy’s head and told him everything will be different now.

“Honey, what your dad is saying is that we’re gonna get back together.”

“Really?”  He asked in surprise.

“Yeah.  Son, I have to apologize to you.   I’ve been thinking about pop-pop and how I was raised, and how I taught you to treat your mom.  I was wrong.  I’m sorry.  I love your mom.  I always have, and I made a huge mistake.  I have a lot of work to do to make it right.  But I want to be a family again.”

*****

Rosita was happy to watch Judy and Carl while their parents were across the street talking to Aaron.  Before being a scout for Alexandria, searching for fighters to help the community survive, he was a high school guidance counselor.  It was the closest to a psychologist they had.  The two sat together, Lori’s arm wrapped around Rick’s lower back.

“My dad was a jackass. He’d say real mean things to my mom or flat out ignore her for days and weeks at a time.  She’d be crying for him to talk to her, and he thought it was a game.  Like, he could smile and be nice to her one day then not say anything for weeks.  They never divorced, but they should have.”

“The worst thing was when he would just ignore me. I’d do something wrong, or what he thought was wrong, and he wouldn’t talk to me for months.”  He paused to wipe the tears from his eyes.

“Later, when I was at the police academy, I learned about emotional abuse. It was a checklist. If they can easily cut you off and pretend you don’t exist. If they only want to be around you when you’re happy and they get a personal benefit. If they always ignore you when you need them. If they never apologize and if they’re not sorry for things they do that hurt you, even little things, they don’t care about you. If they always have to make up excuses for hurting you. If they don’t put in effort unless they want something. If they try to make you feel guilty when you finally confront them. If they never worry about you or express concern. Check, check, check…”

“My mom was over at our home one night.  She did something stupid, and two months went by without my dad saying a thing to her.  She was sitting with Lori, and I thought it was all drama.  It was all drama when I was growing up.  She was my mom, and she was crying.  I laughed when she said goodbye ‘cuz I thought she was over-emotional.  Then hours later me and Shane are at my dad’s house with the paramedics.  She put my dad’s 22 in her mouth and pulled the trigger.  She didn’t leave a note.  She was just gone.  My brother lived in the bottle of whiskey until it took him.  I wanted to do one of those intervention things but my dad said no, that it was his problem.  I don’t even know if my dad even came to visit me.  I was in a coma, but I could hear everything.  I could hear Lori asking me to wake up and she was holding my hand.  She was crying but I couldn’t do anything.  I could hear Shane’s voice and the usual doctors, but I didn’t hear my own father’s.  It was like he was mad at me for getting shot.”

The strong façade that Rick tried to hold onto for years crumbled as he melted into the crook of Lori’s arm.  He felt a wave of grief so profound that his body started to tremble. 

Aaron gently added, “Rick, you said your mom did something stupid.  What did she do?”

Through deep sobs he responded, “I dunno.  My dad just told me it was stupid.”

“So, you were going off the words of the man who emotionally abused her.  You didn’t know what she did, just that it was stupid.  Or what your father labeled as stupid.”

The words hit Rick hard, causing him to weep harder.  It wrecked his soul that his family was in a million pieces on the ground because of his actions.

“That was my mom.  I never said goodbye.”

Aaron added, “They would never admit it, but all abusers are dependent on their victims. They need to humiliate, put down and hurt someone on regular basis to prove to themselves that they’re stronger, more powerful, and more confident than you are. If you were gone, they would feel pathetic, weak and worthless, and they sure run from that.”

“So when everyone was gone the game was over?”  Lori asked.

The younger man nodded.

After a few moments, Aaron asked Rick if he told Lori about what happened that horrible night.

*****

Rick was in the bathroom with Lori, rubbing her back as she vomited the contents of her stomach into the toilet.

_“I couldn’t move.  They held me back.  I heard him scream, and there was nothing I could do.  They covered my mouth and made me swallow it.”_

She knew the monster cut her son’s eye out.  She didn’t know Rick was forced to eat it.  The thought of her son and her husband being pushed that far was too much.

 


	5. ...Two Steps Back

The reunited family of four sat in the gazebo, enjoying the warm autumn day.  Carl was sitting between his parents, and Judy was slowly getting familiar with Rick.

She studied his face and tugged on the small beard that grew on his chin.  He held her tightly with his left arm, and placed what was left of his right limb behind Carl, brushing the stump against Lori’s hand.  This time he didn’t pull away.

The two cast a long, loving gaze at each other, before Rick broke the silence.

“Carl, always love your mom.  Always.  Don’t make the mistake I did.  I can’t get those three years back, but I’m gonna try to do everything to make up for it.  And I’m sorry, son.  I’m sorry I wasn’t the dad you needed.”  Rick’s voice cracked and tapered off.

Lori’s fingers tips grazed his forearm as she told their boy, “Baby, everyone makes mistakes.  Your dad and I’ve forgiven each other, and things will be different now.”

“So, we’re gonna be a family again?”  Carl asked.

Rick looked at his little girl.  For the first time, he really looked at her.  She had the same color eyes as he did.  The strawberry birthmark that graced his thigh almost matched the one that he saw peeking out of the bottom of her sleeve.

_This is my daughter._

He looked at the precious child on his lap, crossed his eyes and made the funny face that always made Carl laugh.  Judy giggled and raised her arms, wrapping them around Rick’s neck.

“Baby, we’ve always been a family.  We’ve never stopped.  We’re okay now.”  Lori stated firmly, as she watched Rick interact with their daughter with tears in her eyes.

Carl smiled and nodded his head, and when Judy yawned and put her head on Rick’s shoulder, Lori mentioned going to the house to make lunch and put the baby down for a nap.

*****

Judy had her arms loosely at Rick’s side.  The little girl was softly snoring as Rick climbed the stairs, holding his daughter close to his body.

_Everything will be different now._

They got into their house, and for the first time in years Lori felt hopeful.  Maybe her family could be together again.  Maybe they could put it back together.

*****

She led Carl to the sofa and asked him what movie he’d like to listen to.

“How about Airplane?”  He asked.

“Airplane?”  She replied with a smile.  “Surely you can’t be serious!”

Rick descended the steps and saw the interaction, a reminder of the way thing once were.  They’d watch movies together, just the three musketeers, all sitting close on the old couch that once belonged to his parents.  When it was just the two of them watching TV on the old sofa, usually when Carl was in school and Rick had a rare day off, they’d sit as close as possible and only half an hour into the program before soft touches and kisses would turn into the two making love.

“You want a snack?”  He heard Lori ask.

Carl nodded, and his mom placed a kiss on the top of his head.

“Be right back.”  She said softly.

She was at the sink, washing peaches to slice up and give to Carl.  She was slightly startled when Rick came up to her and wrapped his arms around her body.  Immediately she dropped the fruit and turned to face her love.  Their first kiss in years was electric.

“Move into my room tonight?”  She asked, once they broke the kiss.

“Absolutely.”  He said, his crystal blue eyes not breaking from her dewy, light brown orbs.

She smiled and ran her fingers through the curls in the back of his head as she pulled him towards her, kissing the way they did so long ago.

Her hand moved from his head to his lower back as his kisses became deeper, and his arousal pressed against her leg.

The moment of familiarity and intimacy was interrupted by the sound of people running down the street.

“What’s going on?”  Lori whispered.

“Stay inside.”  He said, before he pulled away.

*****

“You said a week.  You're early.”

“I missed you.”  He said, smiling.  “Open the gate, Rick.”  He said, his stare cold.

Negan heard the familiar groans of a walker, then shouted for Rick’s attention.

“Hey Ricky, batter up!”  He said, as he used the dreaded bat to smash the head of a roaming walker, spraying his own clothes with the stench of decay.

“Ha ha ha! Easy peasy lemon squeezy! All right, everybody. Let's get started.  Big day.  Hey, Rick, you see that, what I just did? That is some service! I mean, we almost get turned away at the gate.  Do I get mad? Do I throw a fit? Do I bash some ginger's dome in? Nope.  I just take care of one of these dead pricks that could've killed one of y'all.  Service.”  He chuckled, with a mock bow.

Rick stepped back as a steady stream of people and vehicles filtered through the gate.

He felt an overwhelming sense of dread clench his heart.  After everything he and his family had been through since he woke up in the hospital bed, they finally found shelter.  Now that was being taken away from him.

“They're just gonna search the houses a bit, keep the process movin'.  Hey…whatever happened to that sick girl?  That seemed like a hell of a stressful night for her.  The way she was carrying on…she was married to number two, right” He chuckled.  “Widows, especially ones that look like that…I love 'em. Right after their husbands go, they are just empty side.  Broken, need to feel something.”

_“Everyone I loved was dead.  I never felt more alone in my life.  Shane was my shoulder to cry on.  Shane comforted Carl like he was his own.  It was one time.  Once, by the side of the road when I saw my family dead and I thought you were dead.”_

“Careful, now.  Careful how you're lookin' at me, Rick.”

Rick’s gaze at the man he detested went from defiant to submissive.  His attention was diverted to his front porch, where Arat and Joey forcibly pushed Lori, a crying Judy in her arms, and Carl out of the house.  Carl tripped over the last step of the porch and stumbled face first to the ground, and Lori was ripped back by her hair when she tried to help.  Arat wrenched Judy out of Lori’s arms and pushed the woman to the sidewalk.

“Give me my baby!  You bitch!”  She helped Carl to sit and used her hand to wipe the blood from his broken nose.

Negan smiled.  “Well, lookie here.  This must be the little missus.  Looks like you have it all, Ricky.  Excerpt a hand, and a kid who can see.  You tell her about your new diet?  That had to be a little bit of protein.”  He chuckled. 

Negan was momentarily stunned when Lori’s right hand moved quickly and slapped his right cheek before Joey pulled her back by the hair.  Rick immediately tried to get to her, but was stopped by Negan saying, “No.  You can’t talk to her, you can’t look at her, and you can’t touch her.  I think I just may turn her into one of my bitches.  If you make any stupid moves I’ll cut her eye out too.  You want a second helping?”  He walked up to Lori, who was desperately trying to get free from Joey’s arms.

“Damn, you are pretty, aren’t ya?   Well, I’m about fifty percent more into you right now.  I think, if you’re agreeable to it, I think it’d be fun to screw your brains out.  See now, Rick’s a broken man.  I had him on his knees.  Little bitch was crying like a baby.  Had snot running outta his nose.  He cried like a little pussy.  He’s not a man.  He’s weak.  I broke him.  I slid my dick down his throat and he thanked me for it.”

He traced the base of her jaw with the tip of his index finger and gave her a sly smile before Arat walked closer, Judith in hand.

“Look at this little angel. Oh, this little girl is precious.”  He handed Lucille to Rick and said teasingly, “hold this.”

As he tried to calm the sleep deprived, cranky baby he started to say, “I’ve always wanted a baby for my own.  My bitches can’t give me one.  I think I’ll take this one.”

“No!”  Lori whimpered, as Joey tightened his grasp.  Another savior pulled Carl to his feet and held a hunting knife to his throat.

“See there…that’s my insurance.  Do anything and the future serial killer will be gutted like a fish.  Maybe if Rick thought shit through, it would've been different.  People might still be with us.  His son would still be able to see.  This is where we are.  We just got to learn to live with it.”

After a deep sigh, he looked around the community.  “Anyway, back to it.”

Twenty minutes into the day long ordeal, Negan was about to lose his temper over the girl he cherished.  “Can’t you shut this thing up?”  He yelled.  He roughly held her in front of him and said “I should just shake the stupid outta you right now.”

“Please.”  Rick croaked out, tears running down his face.

“You wanna hold her?  He asked.

The sheriff nodded his head as he stepped forward to rescue his baby girl.

“Arat.”  Negan commanded.  “Get over here and take this thing.  Rick’s not man enough to hold a baby.”

*****

The first hour was painfully slow.  Negan made Carl sit on the sidewalk, and told him that if he moves he’ll feed his sister’s eyes to him, “just like daddy did.”

Rick watched helplessly from feet away as Joey’s hand traveled to Lori’s breast and squeezed, making her cry out in pain.  He tried to picture the scene he wanted.  Lucille was in his hands.  He could kill Negan, take his daughter and lead his family to safety.  Be he knew that the man’s henchmen, all armed, were everywhere.

*****

The minutes ticked by, seeming to never end.  Lori turned her head to Joey and whispered, “Take me to one of the homes.  You can do whatever you want with me.  I’ll do anything you want.  Just please, let me take my kids.”

The rotund man looked around for Negan, who was half way down the block with Rick, going through the arsenal.  

“I’ll do whatever you want.  Please.”

The man looked at the sheriff’s wife and gave her a crooked grin which showed off his blackened teeth.  “Arat.”  He yelled.  “C’mere.”

The woman walked over and handed Judith back to Lori, who held her tightly.

“Thank you.  Thank you. Thank you.”

“C’mon.”  Joey told her, as he resumed his grip on her arm.

She had one hand holding Judith and the other in Carl’s hand as they walked into the late Neidermeyr’s house. 

“Let me put my daughter down for a nap.  Please.”

He nodded as he toed off his shoes and started to undress.

“Mom, what’s happening?”  Carl asked, his voice on the verge of panic.

“It’s alright, baby, just come with me.”

She looked around in anger at the aftermath of the strangers taking almost all the furniture. Bastards even took the mattresses.

“Baby, we gotta move a little faster.”  She told her son, as she led him upstairs and to one of the bedrooms.

She wrenched open the closet door and pushed Carl inside.

“Here.  You’re safe.  Here’s your sister.  Stay in here, Carl.  Don’t leave the closet.  Stay with your sister.  Understand?”

“Yeah mom.  I’m scared.”

“It’s alright, baby.  It’ll be okay.  I love you.  Stay right here with Judy.”

_I scared too._

She kissed his forehead and said “It’s alright.  It’s gonna be okay.  I love you so much.”

She shut the door, leaving her two children safely inside.

_The remaining members of the community were gathered in the Neidermeyer’s house.  Edna was happy to host the meeting, offering snacks made from her newly found pasta maker._

_Lori sat on the sofa with Carl on one side, her arm wrapped firmly around her son.  She was still shaken over the loss of his right eye.  She thought that if Ron’s bullet had hit him just inches from his eye, she’d be sitting at his grave.  Maggie and Glenn were sitting together, near where Abe sat with Sasha on his lap.  She could barely look at the obvious displays of affection when her husband was feet away but barely acknowledged her existence over the past three years._

_They were all listening to what Rick had to say._

_“From now on, everyone gets gun training.  Weapons will be hidden in different places around each home.  Think practically.  Air conditioning vents, tear pages out of a book and use the frame to hide a Glock, in freezers, any place that you can think about.”_

With his words echoing through her head, Lori stopped at the hallway air vent.  She got to her knees and clawed at the metal covering, ripping it from the floor.  She reached into the vent and breathed a sigh of relief when she felt the cool steel of the Glock 22 handgun, complete with silencer.

“What’s takin’ so long?”  She heard from downstairs.

With the gun firmly in her hand she walked halfway down the steps, and without getting the man’s attention, fired off one shot to his head, killing him instantly.  She headed upstairs with one thing on her mind.

She was going to get the man who blinded her son.

*****

Carl was sitting in the closet, his sister asleep on his chest.  Time seemed to slow and stop.  The voices of the invaders, and the sinister laugh of the maniac had ended.  In her sleep, Judy wad peacefully sucking her right thumb while her left hand had a loose grip on the fabric of Carl’s shirt.  A small noise made him chuckle, and he planned on bringing his sister to his mom to get her clean up.

He stood up and reached for the doorknob.

“Mom?  I’m here.”  Carl whispered.  He remembered the layout of the Neidermeyer’s home.  It was the same as the one he lived in with his family.  His hand moved across the wall as he walked down the hallway. 

He moved the two doors down to the bathroom, and with his free hand he felt for the sink and eventually the tap.  He cupped his hand and let the cool water fill his palm, bringing it to his mouth.  He needed just a sip and couldn’t see where a cup was.  One splash to his face was enough to refresh the boy.

_The master bedroom is across the hallway.  I’ll put her on the bed and look for mom._

With one foot in front of the other, he slowly walked into the room.  He hoped the furniture was arranged the same, cookie-cutter way it was in the other houses with this design.  His foot connected with the stray piece of a dismantled bedframe and he lost his balance.  Instinctively, he gripped onto his sister as he fell forward.  Before he hit the ground the side of his head collided with the corner of a lone nightstand. 

He moaned in pain as his consciousness slipped away.  His grip on his sister, who was now wide awake and screaming in pain, loosened.

Judy sat up and looked at her unconscious brother while rubbing her bruised and cut head.  When the familiar woman with the long black hair appeared in the threshold she reached her arms up and babbled “mama, mama, mama.”

*****

“You keeping my guns clean, Rick?”  He asked, as he fired off one shot into the Neidermeyer house.

*****

The gut wrenching screams of agony got the attention of Aaron, Eugene and Rosita, who were sitting outside and in shock over the sudden, needless loss of Spencer and Olivia. 

Aaron bounded into the house, and his jaw dropped in fear and anguish.  He yelled for Rick.  He was the one to have to do it.

*****

 _Oh God.  Please help._  

She tried to scream for Rick, but she couldn’t form the words.

_Please God.  Please God, help me._

Lori had her hand covering the wound on her neck. 

She saw the man she despised, and had the perfect aim.  She could end the nightmare for everyone.  He was talking to Rick, who looked beaten down.  She slowly and quietly began to open the window. 

One shot, fired by the maniac, slipped the side of her neck.

She knew she was dying.  She had to prevent herself from turning.  Her babies were down the hallway.  She had to do it quickly.  Tears formed immediately.  She’ll never be able to say goodbye to her children.  She’ll never be able to say goodbye to Rick. 

Lori reached for the gun that was knocked out of her hands.  The blood that covered her fingers made it hard to grip the gun.  She couldn’t turn.  Whenever she took her hand off the wound on her neck she could see another squirt of the crimson fluid spurt away and out of her body.

She was getting weak.  Her vision started to blur.  She couldn’t turn…her babies.  With tears running down her face she raised her hand, and with her blood drenched finger she weakly wrote “love you” on the wall. 

With her strength depleted, she reached for the gun.  She tried to take control of her destiny.  Her hands felt like they were five hundred pounds each.  She had to do it.  She reached for the gun, but had to rest, just for a minute.

*****

Tara and Rosita dug one grave.  Rick said they’d want to be buried together.  Sasha had wrapped Judy in a pink blanket and carried her outside.  Rick had carried his wife, bridal style, to the hole in the ground.

He sat in the grass, holding her lifeless body.

“I love you.  I should have said it.  I couldn’t put it back together.  You’ve deserved so much better.  I’m so sorry.  I love you.”

He hugged her tightly before picking her up and gently placing her in the hole in the ground.  Sasha arranged Lori’s flowered dress so there weren’t wrinkles, and fixed her hair.

Rick turned his attention to his daughter.

“I’m so sorry, my baby girl.  You’re my daughter.  You’re my baby girl.  I love you so much.  I wasn’t the daddy you deserved.  I love you.  Take care of your mama for me.  I know you could do a better job than I did.”  He kissed his daughter one last time on the forehead, then placed her on top of Lori.  He reached into the grave and arranged Lori’s arms so she was hugging Judy.  Just the way she always did.  He bent down and placed a kiss on Lori’s lips, taking a long, last look at the love of his life.

Sasha placed a white sheet over the two, and Father Gabriel said a few prayers over the bodies.  Rick had to walk away before the dirt was replaced.  He headed into the clinic to check on Carl. 


End file.
